In talking to a friend recently she shared with me that she has finally realised how her habitual judgements about herself were all part of this pattern. In attempting to perfect ourselves we never really have to deal with the angst. We just keep on working at perfection and improvement which always seems to elude us. It is endless and repetitive. It never really touches the truth of the angst.

The reality is that there is nothing to perfect. there is much to know in this existence. But by focusing our unconscious energy on these kinds of patterns we never really learn to be fully at one with ourselves and our world. It is from being in this more holistic place that we unfold in authenticity. These avoidant tendencies focused on not seeing this truth are heavily conditioned and it requires attentive awareness to be seen. In the seeing we seem to be able to let go. We begin see the futility and frailty of our once rigidly held beliefs.

How do we arrive at a place where we can see with awareness. This involves looking in a different direction. We have been raised and taught to believe our teachers and to rely on what they have espoused and in the way that they have been trained. We have not been taught to look to our own resources in general. In meditative circles it is talked about in terms of looking inwardly. Meditation Is largely an effort to switch our focus.

What was the Buddha Saying? Would he question the many religious practices and whether they were promoting the growth and expansion of consciousness? Would he ask if the practices were contributing to over identification and separation from others?

The issue of change and difference is something that I wondered about even among Buddhist practitioners. Buddhism here in Burma has become a lay religion and it is not as much about exploring what the Buddha discovered and using it in a  way that promotes self learning,  growth and expansion of consciousness although there is this aspect present. Often as in many religions there are those who use it in a limited way to focus more on the religious institutional dimension and making it  about dogma power and control.

The reality that change will occur is the only thing that I can say that I know for sure. But why is it that we try so hard to stay as we are and to grasp onto things that keep us locked into a way that is not open to change. It is this extreme effort and energy invested in staying the same or retaining what we think that we are: holding on to what we think to be  known that is at the heart of our distress. In the name of truth, freedom, nationalism, religion, God, ethnocentrism, xenophobia and other collective ideals, many a murderous (human) expression has been initiated. We struggle with what is different often to the point that we are quite fearful and defended against what that might bring.

But we are change and there is nothing to be done about that despite all our efforts to control and maintain something we think that we are. This change that we are is what I am discovering to be the greatest gift of life. Opening authentically to this energy that is  arising and expanding and being part of that discovery takes us through that fear and apprehension that keeps us grasping and clinging.

I realize that I have much to discover about myself and the fear that limits my opening. At least I now know that I need to look to the darkness, a place that I have held some illusions about myself and others. It is only in opening to the deepness of my self beyond the control, ways of knowing and effort that has blocked my seeing that I can embrace change and the different expressions of life that we are inseparable from.

In the west we are paying a price  for our pursuit of comfort and security. I think that we do not have the freedom that we claim to have. In the east they are aware of their lack of freedom. It is hard not to be. In the west we live elusively not realizing that there is something in the search that brings us deeper into the darkness and to knowing ourselves more intimately. To authentically search we must let go of some of that familiarity. It is not an external letting go but more an internal experience. We need not go to Burma or Nepal to experience it. It just happened that it was an assistance for me in looking deeper within and it just affirms for me the importance of questioning and doubting.