Gord Clements

I am really beginning to see that the vulnerability that I have endlessly avoided and covered over and feared the experience of  I am. Over past years I was closer to my authentic self than I realised being in this place  that was so much closer and that I wanted so much to be away from. I reacted to it  from my conditioning  and in complete ignorance. I now see that my reaction was not something that helped me to cope authentically with what I was experiencing. It is still there underneath all and it arises at times although I am beginning to be able to see through my insulating cover to meet the vulnerability in a different way.  Quite incredible.  The thing that I disliked most about myself was the essence of what I was. Now I see that most all of us are conditioned in the same way.

A German friend sent me this Goethe poem today.

How should I be.        But be not lured by higher striving.       For at the state of man`s arriving           Finished and damned is your career

Goethe

I am full of weakness and vulnerability. It is the very human essence of what I am  that I have attempted to cover over, alter and remove for the most of my life.  I see this in all human beings however much energy they invest in presenting otherwise. Too often much of life is invested in being other than what we are.

It is from accepting and understanding and seeing the authentic in our being that we authenticaly grow and evolve. It is not unusual for others to look laugh and ridicule this essence that they see. Projecting the denial that is within themselves.

Quite often, or maybe it is more often than not , in the world as it is I am reminded  and encouraged by others to follow some external scheme about how I should be. Always according to anothers standards which I suspect is often influenced by one`s culture, religion or other such conditioning. In the end I  am not sure how I should be from following this way since every unique individual seems to have his own  impression of  how and what that should be.

If I should follow some external guidance that has such a strong  presence, as I am finding it to be here in  Germany,  than I am not surprised that I would find it quite disorienting and  that it would take me away from the path of coming to know the truth of myself. The externaly created shallower perception and image of how a person should be seems of high importance here.

However I am quite sure that I do not want to move in this direction as it would no doubt lead to a sense of self betrayal or denial and in turn to a greater sense of disconnection. It is not that there is a better place to be accept maybe to be in a place that I might be able to relate to others in a way that I can be more attuned to truth and  to develop and evolve from that place beyond the wilful effort that I have been told is necessary.

I am not so concerned about survival and wealth and working as a means to find meaning in life. To know myself, what I am and the origins from where I have arrived from is the dream that I desire to follow if that should be called desire. Should I be able to find this place here  in Germany ?

Everything about the meditation that I do points me to a place that I see emptiness. A place that I find myself absent of identity and feeling naked without form. Here there is no  place to take refuge, no sense of importance or mission in becoming something or in finding acceptance in pursuing either. The following of principles or codes or values that have led me in the past are no longer followed, nor is there to be found a desire for success, meaning or self importance or for other worldly things. There is I notice an urge present  to exit from this place.

I now see the reality, that this has always been covered over at my foundation. Something in me did not want to see it.  Subtly and unconsciously something about experiencing this emptiness has been working and compelling me in ways that took me away from it . For the most this compulsion was a reaction to the emptiness and vulnerability experienced there. I have been propelled in a questionable direction in an effort to fix or eliminate or avoid the apparent abyss.  But now I can see that the roots that I seek in meditation are of this deeper awareness of this vulnerable entity that we are, raw and exposed just as it was the reality in the first instant that I was thrust into this world and this new consciousness. This sense of fragility of existence was no doubt present before my day of birth however unconscious I have been of it.

This I now see is the reality of which I am from which I can authentically reach out creatively into the universe. If I can let go of my efforts to change it and of what is expected and what is suggested and encouraged from others in the search for security and a world free of suffering. If  I can remain here in this place of a different understanding than conventional insight offers I can meet with something else that has been blocked by my intense search for an external solution to finding freedom. It is not the result of technique, method or of philosophy, religion or psychology or other such focus.In finding this place of my authentic being I touch a place that has been present for eternity far before man appeared and I sense that it has been a much wiser guide than humans have in pointing to freedom. From here I find in meeting with my life and the truth of what I am in this place I enter into an exploration of existence in a more creative, compassionate and loving way.

Our gift of consciousness means that we become aware of our sufferring. And from here we most often consciously and unconsciously do everything we can to avoid or eliminate the suffering that we encounter. Most every where you look in contemporary living there is a searching for ways and methods to do this. Could it be that we are missing the reality that we can do nothing to eliminate it and that it is learning to meet the sufferring in a different way that we experience a deeper connection and satisfaction in life.

Who Overcomes Himself His Freedom Finds

Goethe

I came across a discussion about homosexuality today and I was most struck with the human tendency to want to be passionately focused on qualifying and asserting points that were made. It seems at times  to become a battle of wit and something other than a a genuine sharing, exploring and exchanging of ideas. These kinds of discussions often sound like a classical debate that you might see politicians engaged in with no one really listening to the other and not much coming from the heart examined and/or  processed in an attempt to learn and explore deeper. Is not a rigid adherence to belief  and opinion in fact simply a shutting down?  It seems to reflect  limitation as opposed to understanding.

As far as homosexuality goes I really question if it is something in fact about goodness and/or evil. People make decisions and choices in their lives from a place of ignorance in everything they do including choices in heterosexual and homosexual relationship.  This often has  not much to do with love or regard for others and in the end for self as well. People also seem to judge,  think and speak from this same place at times. In the end I think that this all tends to happen from a place of unexamined and closed off thinking.

I really question the concept of evil and from there goodness often  applied to certain ways and behaviours.  As for the literal interpretation of scriptures cant we not see the limitation of humans even in the creation of the scriptures. To say that they are divinely inspired okay but to say that they are a direct Divine revelation is a grasping that does not promote and/or encourage  honest examination.

I am right now reading Goethes Young Werther. This is a man that knew how to look beyond rules and authority to find his way to truth which as he saw was a human way filled with folly, compassion and understanding. What is involved in authentically  examining life and the issues it brings?  I cant help but think that we have to first know ourselves. There was book written a few years ago called  ”Voltaires Bastards`. It suggested that it takes a certain skill to rationalize. A strong rational argument is not an indication of truth. So what is involved in knowing life in a truthful way?  There is where we need to begin it seems.Questioning the truth of our past and fixed beliefs.